I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I stay up late and think about childhood cancer and all that  you had to suffer through. I reflect back on your first week in the hospital and picture you rolling and screaming with agony and I want to scream and cry for you! I wish I had all of the knowledge I have gained over these past three yrs back then. I think I might have been able to understand the limited communication you had and help you be more comfortable.  I wonder how it happened and why I didn't know something was wrong sooner. Why did I ignore the yucky feeling in my gut when your Dad noticed that your belly was bloated? Did I allow you to be exposed to something? Did I let a cold go too long? Ugh. I guess I just want to tell you that I am sorry if this happened to you because of my lack of parenting skills. And I am sorry for all that you had to suffer through. I am sorry for not understanding your 1 yr old communication efforts.  I am sorry for being short with you when you were throwing tantrums because you felt so horrible and no one understood. I thought you were approaching the " Terrible Twos" early because you have always been advanced for your age.  Cancer never crossed mind. Not even once. I thought I was doing all the right things for you to avoid cancer not only as a child but as an adult. I continue to do what I think is best for you and your siblings within reason. I figure that I have to let you all live life and be kids too.  I wish so badly that I could have suffer all this for you. You are the light of my life. You are the sweetest most cheerful, playful, just plain delightful human being I have ever met. I am honored to be your mommy.  I am proud of who you are. I am proud of your strength, courage and determination. I know sometimes those qualities will bite me in the butt however, I would never change you or try to break your spirits down.
I love you Jenna B. I would go through Hell and back as many times as it takes to keep you well and happy.
Sleep tight,

Mom

Silly Girl

So while blogging is on my mind... Just thought I'd leave a quick note about something that you did today.
So the Buck girls ( your little twin friends) brought an Easter egg with a single candy for you and your brothers and Mikayla. I told you not to eat the others' and you said you wouldn't. You hid the eggs under their pillows. When we picked them up from school you exclaimed with excitement : " there is a surprise under your pillow!" When we got home, they ran to find their eggs. What a surprise! They had a tiny crumb of a piece of candy inside. Ha Ha. At least you didn't eat the whole thing. Sky and Kayla didn't find it funny at all. I know you weren't trying to be funny. You actually thought that they would be happy that you saved them a piece. They were mean and you felt bad. You said sorry and I explained to you why they were upset. Sterling understood and loved you better. He knows you just couldn't help yourself. You are too cute!
We love you!

Feeling Disturbed

Well It's just been too long since my last blog. You are doing amazingly well and I literally thank my Father in Heaven daily for that. You are almost 4 yrs old and still just as spunky as ever!
You finished treatment last September. What a huge weight off of my shoulders, but with that comes new worries. I always look at  you closely and analyze your color. I shouldn't but I can't help myself. I am a total nutrition freak over your diet. Once again I just can't stop myself. I try to relax and just let you be a kid, but I will always do my best to protect you. I thought I always did. I was so blind sided by the illness. I still wonder how it happened.
I was just looking over old photos. They are bitter sweet. 1st,  the pics of you before we knew,  make me happy to see how adorable you were and remind me of how blissful my ( our) lives were before you had cancer.  Secondly, I look back at all pics of  you going through treatment. Ugh. I am so glad and feel so blessed that everything went as well as it did, but at the same time I can't help but be angry that you had to suffer. I don't think angry is the right word, but I just  can't describe how I feel. It was so awful. We went through Hell and back. That's all I can say. And you my amazing, strong, and determined daughter played, laughed, smiled, danced, grew, learned and taught others the entire time. Do you know who you are? A warrior princess straight from heaven! You have brought our family closer together since before you born and you continue you bond us and others together still. I love all of my  children so much. You each have special qualities, but you are a light for our family and we all know it.
I haven't blogged for such a long time, I'll try to briefly catch up.
Summer was awesome... camping, friends, playing. No hospital stays!

It was so close to normal. Then you had your port removed in August and finished all chemo and meds in September. (well, except for the antibiotic Septra) To celebrate we took you on a pack in trip to Wyoming on the horses. It was so nice and peaceful. You loved it!  In Oct Sterling was Elk hunting there and had a horse accident. He was badly injured and had to be flown via helicopter to PCMC. He suffered injuries to his brain. It was very scary, but he is fine now. I enrolled Sky and Mikayla in a new school. It is far away so we spend a lot of time driving. It has been a good thing for them and you don't mind the car ride. You are my little buddy. I love spending every day with you. I don't know what I will do when you go to preschool in the fall. I will be lost and broken hearted. You finally started dance and are learning to become a beautiful ballerina! I can't wait to see you perform. You love going to church and love playing with your little friends and cousins. You are a helper to me all day. You want to help do all the things I do. Your favorite chore is taking treats ( produce peels and such) to the horses. Your hair is long and flowing. It's just gorgeous!
I cherish every day I have with you and the other kids. Today is Mikayla's 10th birthday, Skyler turned 11 two weeks ago and you will be 4 in 6 weeks. Time is just flying by and you guys are growing and changing so much. Ster is almost 15! I am getting old.
Well, I better go to bed now.
Sleep tight Jenna B.  May angels watch over and protect you always.
Love,
Mom