I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I stay up late and think about childhood cancer and all that  you had to suffer through. I reflect back on your first week in the hospital and picture you rolling and screaming with agony and I want to scream and cry for you! I wish I had all of the knowledge I have gained over these past three yrs back then. I think I might have been able to understand the limited communication you had and help you be more comfortable.  I wonder how it happened and why I didn't know something was wrong sooner. Why did I ignore the yucky feeling in my gut when your Dad noticed that your belly was bloated? Did I allow you to be exposed to something? Did I let a cold go too long? Ugh. I guess I just want to tell you that I am sorry if this happened to you because of my lack of parenting skills. And I am sorry for all that you had to suffer through. I am sorry for not understanding your 1 yr old communication efforts.  I am sorry for being short with you when you were throwing tantrums because you felt so horrible and no one understood. I thought you were approaching the " Terrible Twos" early because you have always been advanced for your age.  Cancer never crossed mind. Not even once. I thought I was doing all the right things for you to avoid cancer not only as a child but as an adult. I continue to do what I think is best for you and your siblings within reason. I figure that I have to let you all live life and be kids too.  I wish so badly that I could have suffer all this for you. You are the light of my life. You are the sweetest most cheerful, playful, just plain delightful human being I have ever met. I am honored to be your mommy.  I am proud of who you are. I am proud of your strength, courage and determination. I know sometimes those qualities will bite me in the butt however, I would never change you or try to break your spirits down.
I love you Jenna B. I would go through Hell and back as many times as it takes to keep you well and happy.
Sleep tight,

Mom