Then and now

Your first haircut.....

My little baldy on her horse last Christmas. :)

Well so here I sit again. It's been a while since I've since I've posted. It's December all ready. Yikes!

We put up our little apartment sized tree up last week. I was thinking it was going to be pathetic, but once we decorated it with all the little sentimental ornaments and plugged it in, I was pleasantly surprised at how cute it turned out. It's another reminder of where we were with you a year ago. Nanna Thomas picked that little tree up for us because she knew with your counts being frightening low we weren't going to bring in a real tree and risk you getting ill from a fungus or other germs it might harbor, and I was so overwhelmed I didn't even feel like decorating. It was so sweet of her. She showed up with that little pre-lit tree and some ornaments and it was ready in about 5 minutes. The best part is that it was a cinch to put away too. And so here we are again with our cute little tree. Everyone is content with it. (I have to wonder if it haunted though. The ornaments keep moving around.) Hmmmm.

So some exciting news: Make A Wish contacted me the other day and you made a Wish Kid. They have sent you a key to the wishing room and you will get to make your wish VERY soon.

I am so excited for you. I hope you get wish for something that will make you truly happy. You deserve it. You have suffered so much at such a young age. You have been unable to communicate how things have made you feel or understand what was going on and why all of this was happening to you. And yet some how, none of it got you down. Even through the worst of it you were happy, loving, and sweet. You still grew physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And the greatest thing is that you have taught others and helped them grow along the way. You have enlightened people and have opened a lot of doors and windows.

So many people have stepped up to the plate to make a difference because of your influence. Some (MANY) donated blood. Some are considering the bone marrow registry. ( including me)

Others have ran marathons, and did bike races, to raise money for Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I have a jersey from a man whose team thought of you all during training and throughout their race to give them strength. A man and a team you have never met. People care. Good friends have become our best friends. Family has stood by us and suffered with us.

I am meeting so many other cancer moms. They all have an incredible story to tell. It gives me strength. Sometimes it gets to be a bit much for me, I'll admit it. So much sadness. And it's hard to hear the complaints of the other children. I wonder how much you might have suffered just because you couldn't voice things to me. I'm so sorry for this. It breaks my heart to try and imagine what you have gone through. I do know this. You have always seemed very grateful for anything that I have for your care taking. I know you understood and understand still that I'm doing my best to help you. You have been very trusting and forgiving through it all. How can ever thank you for not fighting me and the doctors? I know I say it a lot, but you amaze me. You are fighting this disease, and loving everything and everyone around you.

Christmas is almost here. I'm so happy and grateful that you are here and we are able to join in all of the festivities as a whole family this year. So far it's been great. We are having a bad financial year, but we are making the best of it. The best gift we have this year is each other. Something I will never take for granted. I pray for those who are where we were last year and hope that they still are able to have a good holiday. I pray for those who aren't doing so well right now that will pull through and rebound quickly. Life is so precious, and family is invaluable. Remember that baby.

Loving you pieces

Mom

So everything was okay the other night. You slept until 7:30 the next morning. (aside from a couple of milky bobbles and diaper changes) I guess you were just tired. You were a little pale and had puffy eyes, but what does that mean anymore? The boys came home on Monday. You were fascinated with Sterling's elk and so happy to see your horses and dogs.
Tuesday's clinic visit went well. Your counts were good and they did not up your meds. PHEW.
The nurse had troubles with your port , but you were so brave and so forgiving. You were smiling by the time she administered the chemo. You were happy to see Dr. Wright and actually let her look in your mouth this time. You have a new tooth that you wanted to show off. So cute.
I've been making more friends with more cancer moms. It's great. You will get to meet more kids like you and Carson soon. They all understand what we've going through. I must admit though, It's hard to hear of some of the complaints these other kids have. You are to little to voice yourself and describe your suffering. I can't help wonder how much more you've had to suffer because you couldn't communicate to me what was wrong or what you might have needed. I'm so sorry for that. All I can say is I'm trying my best. I'm trying my best to care for needs now, as well as for the future. I'm trying to love you and spoil you without spoiling you rotten. I plan on you being around for a very long time, and I don't want you to be a brat. ( because I love you )
It's late again. I'm off to bed.
Love you Muffin. :)

Should I worry?

Okay, so it's 10:42 p.m. I put you down for a nap at about 5:30. You were looking a little worn out from a late night up watching Beauty And The Beast with Mikayla, an early morning Hopekids movie and a baby shower earlier today. I thought "perfect" I'll just put you down for a short nap while I pick my tomatoes, and clean up the kitchen. Well, it's been 5 hours. I can't help but worry. Are you coming down with something? Should I sneak in and check your temp? Should I listen to see if you are breathing okay? Ugh! I hate this! Maybe it is yesterday's dose of Methotrexate. Maybe I let you have to much sugar today and your blood sugar has plummeted. Maybe you are just tired. This sucks. I don't mean to be negative, I'm just venting. I'm sure you are just plain old tired. You are after all, still a growing kid. You run around like no kid I have ever seen too. You are so full of life energy it makes me tired to just watch you sometimes.
The boys are out hunting today. It's Sterling's first Elk hunt. You miss them and you miss your animals. It's pretty peaceful with out all those bodies coming and going in and out of the house, but, I miss them too. I wish we could be there, but it's finally getting too cold. I must admitt too, I like my time with my girls.
So you are down to 11 months of treatment. I'm so happy. I'm so happy that we were blessed to have you in our lives. So happy and grateful that the Lord has allowed you stay with us. I'm so grateful for the doctors and nurses who care enough about you and other kids to do their best to take care of you. We have been blessed to live in a time and a place where treatment is so easily available for you. I'm so blessed with 4 amazing kids. You are all so special and so good. It's an honor to be a mother of such special people. I truely don't deserve any of you, but I'd fight to my death if any one tried to take any of you from me. I will do whatever it takes to keep you all here with me. I think it's safe to say the same of your Dad. He loves you all so much.
Well, I guess I will go and check on you. I hope you are getting some good rest. I hope I'll get some tonight too!
Love you Jenna B!

You had a great day today! Making up for yesterday I suppose. You are finally on the mend from your illness ( the virus) and you had to be NPO for a back poke and had to get your Vinc in clinic. You were so hungry and I didn't know how to help you understand why I couldn't let you eat that stupid banana until after your nap "downstairs" ( in the Rapid Treatment Unit). Your buddy Robert the PA was not there and neither was your favorite therapy dog, Oliver. Your numbing cream wore off too quickly and you felt your port access. You did luck out and escaped another blood transfusion. Your crit (red blood) was only 22, but Doc said since your pre red cell count was high, you get a week off of oral chemo to recouperate instead. Sounds good to me! I'm sure you still feel poopy, but you sure don't show it.
We had so much fun at the State Fair today. Thanks to Hopekids! We met up with Carson and Jodi. They're great, and the 2 of you are just natural buddies. Two peas in a pod. You rode the rides. Your first time ever doing anything like that. Your smiles were huge!!! You loved the dragon roller coaster, the train, the helicopter the carousel, the cars, and the dragon spinning thing. You got to see cows, goats, sheep and even baby pigs. You watched the pig races very patiently sitting next to Carson. It was cute. Later on I took you with the young men and young women to Hollywood Connections. We were supposed to go roller skating. I was going to push you in the stroller, but they ended up mini golfing instead. So, more rides for us! Luckily your sissy was there to enjoy the fun with us. More roller coaster, carousel, balloon lift and even a bus ride. I love to see you and your sister playing together. It makes me so happy. As I was watching you and Mikayla spin on the balloon lift, I couldn't help but wonder if you were getting nauseated. But then I realized that's probably just a normal everyday feeling for you anyway. Kinda made me sad. And I thought about how fearless you are. Going fast, up and down, you loved it all. That's just who you are. Strong and fearless. Easily comforted, and forgiving of life's mishaps. I love that about you. I wish that I could be half the person you are all ready!

Here you are splashing away at the splash park with the cousins! You were loving it!

This is you and Carson on the carousel, and watching penguins swim.

Only a year to go!!!

Holy cow! It's September 12th. I haven't blogged since July. The summer went by so fast. I guess time flys when you are having fun. We have spent a lot of time at our property. You love it there. Well, we all do. You sure love the outdoors. You love Prowler rides with the family. Of coarse you like to torment Mikayla when you sit next to her . You pull her hair and make her scream. I guess that's what little sisters do. I finally took you to a splash park with your aunt Monica, Danielle, Kaycee, and Baylee. You had a blast. We'll have to do that a lot next summer. Things are pretty close to normal I guess. Still a lot of extra worry and Doctor's visits but at least you are able to act like kid, You are growing so big. I just can't believe my eyes. Then I look at the other kids and I am amazed at how big they are. You guys grow too fast. I love it, and it makes me sad at the same time.

You had another play date with Carson. We went to the zoo for the first time. You loved it. You came home and talked about the elefants for days. You guys are so cute together. His mom calls you The Cancer Fighting Cuties. It is so fitting!

You are currently on a hard boiled egg kick. ( except the yolks) It's kinda funny.

Right now you fighting some kind of a cold virus. Had a quick visit to the ER last Sunday. Same old routine ,but this time we actually got to go home. Counts were good enough. You are still sruggling to get over it. I'm a little concerned. You just don't look to well. I think you'll be okay untill your appointment on Tues. You are a fighter. No matter what, you always keep pressing forward. I wish I had your strength and ambition. You must have gotten it from your Daddy. It's a good thing!

Well. I will try to be better at posting. There is so much that I have to say that I want us to remember. Our family is going through some great trials. I know we can make it through it, and I want to be able to reflect on things.

I love you baby. The whole fam loves you.

Listen to Songs for Jenna

A year allready

Oh baby. You made it through a whole year. I am so proud of you. You have been so strong and happy throughout it all. Our lives were forever changed last July, but along the way we have all grown so much. Your brothers and Mikayla are also becoming stronger people because of your trials. They are learning to be more self sufficiant, compationate and understanding. Our family has grown closer together ever since you became a part of it. You bring out the best in people.
You are teaching us, extended family and our friends so much about love and life and what really matters. We have made some new friends along the way, and hope to make more.

Tonight I sit with you in room 4408. It brings back so many memories of last year as we spent this week of July in ICS for the first time. So many familiar faces. We have gotten to know the staff all too well over the past 12 months. They are great people. They know you and love you here too. It is late Friday night. You have been fevering since Wed morning. On average your temp has been about 103- 104. Your ANC is zero. You feel like crap and I feel helpless. I want you feel good and come home so bad. All I can do is be here for you and pray that your body will be strong enough to kick this virus soon. I know you have it in you, but I wish I could do something for you.

I Love you so much. Be strong little one.

Oh my ... You are so beautiful and delightful!

Such a princess.
It's hard to believe you are capable of what you did yesterday. You know what I'm talking about. You locked yourself in my room, ( accidentally) Then you refused to try and open the door for me. We both know you can do it. You just turn the little button. Instead, you decided to remove your diaper and leave a present for me on the floor. As I tried to get the door open you decided to " clean it" for me. By the time I found the ladder, propped it to the window, tore the scream out and climbed in to rescue you from yourself... well, you had already created a masterpiece for me. You were so proud. You smiled from ear to ear. " See Mommy. I kean da poop! " I was frazzled as I looked around the room and realized how much work I had ahead of me, but you are so dang cute that I couldn't get angry. I just picked you up, stuck you in the shower with toys and began the disaster clean up. ( I'd been meaning to shampoo the carpet anyway)
Afterwards, you were begging for a walk. Although it was sprinkling, we went anyway. You didn't mind. You were just happy to be outside.
The kids have their last day of school tomorrow. You will love having them home during the day. We are going to have a good summer. We'll make up for last summer. You are feeling good now and I plan on having lots of fun with you and the kiddos!
Well, better get to bed.
Love you Muffin

Oh goodness. I am currently wrestling with you. You want to suck on the dog treats in front of them instead of just givig it to them. I don't know how to convince you that it's gross. It's yummy to them, so it must be yummy for us -right? WRONGO.
Yesterday was another day at clinic. You were happy to see Robert, and Dr. Wright. You got to see Oliver the little Yorkie and give him a treat. You braved another port access and then met a little boy your age named Dominic. He has a tumor in his cheek and was awaiting an MRI. Hopefully it is an isolated tumor and hasn't spread. You are doing a little too good at tolerating your meds so the Doc bumped the dose of your Methotrexate up. I don't like it, but we have to do what it takes to keep you well.
A couple of days ago you went to the aquarium with Dad. I was at the school, but you must have had fun because you won't stop jabbering about it. Turtles, snakes, fishies, penguins,washing hands, fishies swimming , sharks, and on and on you go.
Lately you have been hooked on Mickey Mouse playhouse and 101 Dalmatians.
The weather has been crazy lately, but when it's decent you are begging to play outside. I love it!
You are going to the property with Dad and Mikayla tomorrow. You'll spend a whole night and a day without me. I'll join you guys with the boys on Friday. It's going to be hard on me, but you will be busy having a good time with Dad. He's all about fun.
Well, I have bills to sort and pay, a house to clean and a camping trip to pack for. I'll write again soon. Love you.

Happy Birthday Baby!

You are two already. Getting too big too fast. You are strong and determined. I love that about you. You played puppy party with the kids this morning before they went to school. That got you off to a good start. We went and had your picture taken today. We get to see them tomorrow. :) I wanted to sing Happy Birthday to you before daddy left for work tonight, but you were way too tired and didn't want to wake up from your nap so.... I guess it will have to wait until your party. You seem to be feeling good today. When I put your pretty pink dress on you, you twirled and twirled like a little princess. As usual, you were happy to see Grandma today. She came with us to the photo sitting. You had lots of love to share with everyone. We love you !

Nursey Dylan came and accessed your port today to check counts. You screamed , and said owey as he cleaned and prepped your chest but when he poked the needle in... you didn't even flinch. Once I said all better... Yep, you were fine. You smiled and waved as he left. You are so sweet and forgiving. It's no wonder why you are loved so much. Robert called. Your counts are right where they need to be so I guess they won't need to mess with the dosage of your meds again . (at least for now) I took you shopping with me today to the mall. You slept most of the time in the stroller. I will admit, it was kinda nice. You are absessed with the toilet again. This time at least you are wanting to use it properly instead of just splashing and drinking the water. YUCK!
I bet you made yourself poop at least 4 times today. You even thought the tiny baby poop was cute. You are funny. I love you baby.

Just getting things figured out